Being asked to deliver a eulogy is one of the greatest honours someone can give you. It's also one of the most daunting things you'll ever be asked to do — usually while you're grieving, usually with very little time, and usually with no idea where to start.
This guide will help you write something honest, personal and worthy of the person you're saying goodbye to. Even if you've never written anything like this before.
What a eulogy is — and what it isn't
A eulogy is not an obituary. It's not a list of dates and achievements. It's not a formal speech about someone's career or credentials.
A eulogy is a story. It's your attempt to capture, in a few minutes, who this person really was — the way they laughed, the things they cared about, the mark they left on the people around them. It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be true.
The people in that room already know the facts of this person's life. What they need, and what only you can give them, is a glimpse of the person behind the facts.
Before you start writing
Give yourself a moment — even just 15 minutes — to sit quietly and think about the person before you write a single word. Ask yourself:
Write down whatever comes up, without editing. You're not writing the eulogy yet — you're gathering the raw material.
A simple structure to follow
A eulogy typically runs between 3 and 5 minutes, which is roughly 400 to 700 words. Here's a structure that works:
Opening — start with something that captures their essence
A memory, a quote they loved, something that immediately brings them to life in the room. Don't start with "We are gathered here today." Start with them.
Who they were
Not their CV — their character. What kind of person were they? What did they stand for? What made them them?
A story or two
Specific, vivid, real. One well-told story does more than a dozen general statements. "She was generous" tells us something. "She once drove three hours in the rain to bring soup to a friend who was sick" shows us.
Their impact
What did they mean to the people in that room? What did they leave behind — not in terms of possessions, but in terms of who they made people into?
A closing
Something that feels like a farewell. A final memory, a line that captures them, a message from you to them. End on something that gives the room permission to both grieve and smile.
A simple template to get you started
Fill this in with your own details and let it guide your first draft:
[Name] was the kind of person who [one defining quality or habit].
I remember the first time I truly understood this. We were [brief memory — where you were, what happened, what they did or said].
That was just who they were. To those of us who knew them, they were [how different people in the room would describe them — a parent, a friend, a colleague].
What I'll carry with me is [something specific they taught you or gave you]. I didn't fully appreciate it at the time. I do now.
[Name], thank you for [something personal and specific]. The [quality, habit or phrase] I learned from you will stay with me for the rest of my life.
We love you. We miss you. And we'll carry you with us.
What to leave out
A eulogy is not the place for:
When in doubt, ask yourself: would they have been okay with this? If the answer is no, leave it out.
Delivering it on the day
Writing the eulogy is one thing. Standing up and delivering it while grieving is another.
A few things that help:
Print it out in a large, readable font. You don't want to be squinting at your phone while trying to hold it together.
Practice out loud at least once. Reading it in your head is not the same as saying it. You'll find the moments that catch in your throat and you can prepare for them.
It's okay to pause. If you need a moment, take it. The room is with you. Nobody expects you to get through it without feeling it.
It's okay to cry. In fact, it's okay to not finish. If it becomes too much, someone can step in. Asking for a backup reader in advance takes the pressure off.
Look up occasionally. You're not reading a document — you're talking to people who loved the same person you did. Eye contact, even briefly, makes it feel like a conversation rather than a performance.
When you don't know where to start
Sometimes grief makes it impossible to find the words. You sit down to write and nothing comes, or everything comes at once and none of it feels right.
If that's where you are, Allay's eulogy tool can help you get started. Answer a few questions about your loved one and Allay will help you draft something personal and heartfelt — giving you a foundation to work from rather than a blank page to stare at.
Frequently asked questions
How long should a eulogy be?
3 to 5 minutes is the sweet spot. That's roughly 400 to 700 words. Long enough to do justice to the person, short enough to hold the room's attention.
What if I'm too emotional to get through it?
Ask someone to be your backup — a family member or close friend who can step in if you need them to. Knowing someone is there takes an enormous amount of pressure off.
Can I use humour?
Yes, if it's true to who the person was. A genuine laugh in the middle of grief can be one of the most healing things in a room. Just make sure it comes from love, not awkwardness.
What if I didn't have a close relationship with the person?
Talk to people who did. Gather stories, ask questions, listen. You don't have to have known someone deeply to speak meaningfully about them — you just have to be honest about your perspective and generous in sharing what others have told you.
Is it okay to read from notes?
Absolutely. Nobody expects you to memorise it. Having your notes in front of you is not a weakness — it's a safety net that lets you focus on delivery rather than recall.
Related Reading
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Need help getting this done? Allay walks you through it, step by step.
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